Category Archives: love

[20170214 ~ My Valentine: “We Are X”]

20170214_WeAreX

[20161218©winnieup. WeAreXFilm@Broadway.TheOne.TST.HK]

Before I watched the film, “We Are X”, I did not know how big X Japan was, nor do I know who Yoshiki is.

One day in December 2016, I was about to watch another movie at a cinema in Hong Kong.  A word “SOLD OUT” on one of the TV screens at the ticket counter area caught my attention. I got curious and found out that it was showing the status of the Special Screening of the film “We Are X”.

The poster of the film showed a drummer standing on top of the drum-set, and the description stated that it was a film about the band, X Japan.  X Japan, I remember seeing their vinyl album cover back in the 80s, they were heavy metal rock band from Japan.  That was all I knew about the film and the band. I did not know anything about Yoshiki.

Since I started learning drums recently, I thought watching it could be of something interesting. Out of curiosity, I bought myself the last ticket left of the next show. As such, I bumped into this film by total accident.

An accident that changed my perspective to life, changed my attitude to life, and changed my approach toward life.

People say that they watch this movie because of X Japan, or because of Yoshiki. To the entire opposite, I watch it because I know absolutely nothing at all about X Japan nor have I heard any songs being composed, performed, arranged, played, or produced by its bandleader, Yoshiki.

Yet, after watching the film, I keep watching the film.  After start listening to X Japan and Yoshiki’s music, I cannot stop listening to their music.

Now, I have a strong feeling that I have wasted the past 35 years of my life NOT listening to X Japan and Yoshiki’s songs. I feel that I have lost the precious time of the past years not enjoying the best music possible found on earth. I regretted genuinely not knowing Yoshiki earlier for the admiration of his skills of drum playing; for the discovery of cross-boundary mix of classical and rock music; plus, for the appreciation of his passion and dedication for music and piano playing so I could be practicing piano more persistently when I was a little kid.

The excitement, brings to me from a film, is that I do not know what is going on and what might appear next on the big screen. I like surprise. The fact that I know completely nothing (but their name) about X Japan brought me mind-blowing experience watching this film. I was in shock, during and after, watching this film.

Although the film appears to be presented in piecemeal format and a timeline not too easy to follow, I find it inescapably represents what it is trying to talk about: Life.  Life, as a matter of fact, is always unexpected, out of order, and fragmented; things in life could happen quite suddenly and abruptly, often similar to this manner. The way the director edits the film might have messed up the logical mindset of the audience, yet indeed it fits the mood and rhythm of the film, and sets precisely what the mode should be for this piece of documentary, ambitiously saying that life is not logical.

Life is never predictable. Unexpected incidents happen all the time. Speaking of which, due to this “total accident” bumping into this film, I submersed myself into one of the best, breathe-taking, eye-opening, and undoubtedly enjoyable moments of my life – watching the film, We Are X.

Just like a song has an intro and outro, the movie also starts and ends with gorgeous images along with beautiful music of X Japan and Yoshiki’s. The film brilliantly presents the heart of the history of X Japan with the (relatively new, 2011) song  “Jade” at the beginning of the film.  The intro is so attractive that blocks everything else away from my mind, and drives me deeply into the abyss of the film.

Usually, documentary films discuss or disclose about a story. Yet, We Are X engages a story rather than displaying it to its audience. On one hand, someone like me, who knew nothing about the band, have been educated by the film about the rich history of X Japan; at the same time, I overwhelmingly felt and experienced the successfulness and the painfulness that they had gone through throughout the years with them via the film. After a stream of dramatic yet realistic facts being presented in front of the audience, the film ends with the concert of the reunited X Japan, along with the their stunning new theme song of the film “La Venus”.

By opening with the still images of the original members of X Japan with “Jade” as the background music, and ending with the motion video of the reunited X Japan with “La Venus” plus many other mind-blowing songs of X Japan revealing the bittersweet story of the members in between. “We Are X” is not only an entertaining and documenting film, but also a brilliantly made memorable masterpiece.

No matter how many times I watch the movie, it never seems enough. The film “We are X” is not only about “death and life of X Japan”, as quoted in the flyers, it is also about everything in between: love, friendship, family, fame, depression, self-saving, self-destroying, pioneering, rebellious, innovation, boldness, pride, jealousy, selfishness, success, failure, happiness, tragedy, leadership, conflicts, lost, gain, hope, hopelessness, hatred, give-up, pain, decency, culture, society, norm, ignorance, art, music, broke-up, reunited, memory, dreams, and human being.

Life, as sophisticated as X Japan’s, can be elegant, tasteful, painful, and altogether, beautiful. In addition to its unpredictable and surprising nature, when you look back, you can still feel the abundance of it.  Although painful memories must be part of it, life can still bring you light and strength as long as you can find a way to “co-exist with the pains” (quoted from Yoshiki).

Watching “We Are X” is incomparable with watching any other film I have ever seen. Surrounded by extreme darkness, sitting in front of a huge screen, enjoying a splendid film, listening to the impressive music, glancing over the stunning images, and going through the overwhelming, dramatic, and outraging history of X Japan and Yoshiki, I feel like I am not merely watching a film, but also going through life and death and everything in between together with them, in tears and through my heart, all within 93 minutes of time.

Eventually, as of the issue date of this article, I have watched it in the cinema for six times. If it keeps being shown in the cinema, I will keep watching it again and again. Every time I watch it, it seems like layers of life of X Japan being peeled off, and different levels of fruitful yet unpredictable thunders being poured out for the audience to taste; for the eyes, for the ears, for the mind, and for the heart to grasp and absorb. I can keep watching it, and keep discovering how the director “Introducing X Japan…Japan…Japan…!

Copyright © 2017 winnieup. All Rights Reserved.

[20160808 – 是時候想念]

20160808_是時候想念

日月如梭光陰似箭,從從前對妳的痴纏,到到處遊玩不再對妳掛念,有一段時間實在不想與妳有任何牽連。 外面的世界對我來說的而且確太新鮮,而妳的歷史和存在於我已開始厭倦,所有與妳有關係的人物事情物件,我也無心關心無力點算。 東南西北四方八面,總有好奇或好事的人們向我問起妳的一點點,我漸漸,迴避逃避避免,他們的話題中有機會讓妳的名字出現;想否認曾經與妳情牽一線。 是愛得太深恨成反面,還是感情太淺﹖ 我毫無頭緒腦筋混亂,只知對妳的感覺突然消失似煙,感觸消失得這麼突然……

還清楚記得事情發生不太久遠,為了妳的努力我支持不斷,為了妳的成功我喝采難眠。 日復一日掛念,心頭腦際都在渴望妳的出現,整天回味妳令我引以為榮的出眾表現。 祗要聽著看著想著會有妳在的場面,我必定忘返地流連,要控制自己尖叫著的聲線。 我為了妳試過淚光暗閃,經歷過感動場面,感受過哽咽;妳也為了我跨越過許多試煉,付出過犧牲、承受過轉變。 當時我的心仍緊貼妳旁邊,會目不轉睛的盯著妳的臉,愛妳的所有優點及缺點,百分百的接納妳好的和壞的各方面……

捱不了多少年,我發覺自己在不擇手段,用盡辦法要將我們間的關係絕緣。 像天下間許多不幸的愛情故事一樣我們的故事沒法子繼續發展,對不起我沒有說對不起或再見,就此了斷。 原因不詳不過解釋也不短,不如不說便算。 總之總在畫清界線,我有我的生活新的打算,理不了妳有甚麼的發展,往甚麼方向盤旋;免不了都不想跟妳有任何糾纏。

不過最近我發覺自己的再次心軟,看著妳又在世人面前,綻放光芒遙遙領先,其他國家都變得失色黯然。 跳水排球羽毛球乒乓球每仗也贏得漂亮必然,離開了我四年的愛國心情突然又重新湧現心田,感動和激動的淚水,再次沾濕我面。

看著紅色五星旗緩緩升起國歌飄耳邊,也許是時候想念。 我反覆思考對祖國的情誼竟然是那麼膚淺片面,內疚感佔據著我身體髮膚的每一吋、侵蝕著我辜負了的中國遺傳!

幾年無見,最近點﹖甚念。

Copyright © 2016 winnieup. All Rights Reserved.

[20160222 – 情書2046]

150408 Outfit

在沒有你的日子我結識了許多朋友,你不用為我擔憂,我也不用為你憂愁。 現在我要走,身邊的人也稍作挽留,你卻沒有來書信來電話來電郵;你不用動甚麼腦筋毋須移一根指頭,已輕而易舉把我的心傷透! 朋友有朋友的男朋友女朋友,我有的只是普通或要好朋友、以及朋友朋友的朋友、甚至知音知心知己老友,我只有愛的無盡頭無回應無回收,雖曾經擁有曾經擁有,但永遠沒有天長地久。 你運用我對朋友的友誼代替你與我的愛情鴻溝;利用我朋友的口,告訴我友情比愛情更難求……

我在你的生日前費盡心神費煞思量費周折找幫手,生日當天買禮物切蛋糕攪派對開香檳替你祝壽,生日後令你有回味無窮的時候。 你也說過會在我的生日請客吃魚生喝日本酒;又見我的記事簿又細又殘又舊,說我的生日知道有甚麼禮物可供認購 — 我只管等著有合用心水禮物接收,必定愛不惜手… 到到了我的生日變成生夜、我吃了四個蛋糕吹了數十支蠟燭飲過了半打啤酒,你仍然不知所蹤不致電不留言問候。 我再等了四十個失望的鐘頭,查了電郵,開盡了電子生日卡來自各方親朋好友,硬是沒有來自你打字的一雙手。 聽了電話錄音後,高興於生日的祝福來自知己好友;頃刻後,又覺悟沒有你的聲線在錄音帶裡頭,我一面興奮難休、一面對你詛咒!

捱過了一年半載,我的愛你還是不接受不拒絕不裝載。 我雖然習慣了等待,如習慣了直立不動的盤栽,還是忍不住要割開,與你這似是剪不斷理還亂的愛。 你來不及問我為什麼要離開,我已將行李家具執拾起來; 我來不及讓你有一點點離別的無奈,你已被淹沒在我的思海……別為我擔心感慨,我是實在看得開。 這些年來,我抱著我的理想與你的不羈活下來,與一般平凡女子一樣冀盼等待:一面口邊說著不著緊情愛,一面奢望伴侶的到來。 可惜你還未姍姍遲來,我已跟你分開……

經不起這一場還未發生的戀愛,我的心已遭割斷被撕開。 趁現在,我的知覺還在,一室花味滿載,酒精及香水的味散開,要免去藕斷絲連的感慨。 將思念你的記憶一一拆毀開來,把關於你的故事慢慢溶於思海;不會惦掛我們間的歷史記載,不會回味我們間的趣事精彩;清空電腦中你寄給我的電子郵件袋、洗濯我腦中你寄居著的面孔笑容及可愛。 你有你的學士碩士博士未來,我有我的繽紛燦爛耀眼將來。 抱歉我決定會與你在三十年之內,暫時分開,牽繫不再。

不過你永遠不會明白不會知道這封信的內容,你亦不會內疚感動,我也不必傷感心痛。 因這些文字你看不懂,與你的祖國語言並不互通;我正在學習你的文字文化民風,可以的話請耐心等待我把你的語言融會貫通、 數十年後將此信翻譯後才讓你把我的心看懂!

Copyright © 2016 winnieup. All Rights Reserved.

[20160214 – 如果我愛你]

150402 Outfit
儲存在相簿內的照片,我看極也看不厭;徘徊在腦海的俏臉,我想極也想不倦。 電話筒內的聲音聲線,我聽著也覺溫暖;互聯網上的電子郵件,我收下便覺蜜甜。 送我的太陽花鮮艷,我會逐朵晒乾保存;以低分貝聲浪於電話錄音機的留言,我會播完一遍又一遍。 你的所有優點,我會將其放大十倍隆而重之好好彰顯;你的全部缺點,我會將之縮小壓碎掩人耳目隱而不見。

每晚睡覺之前,將我們間所經歷過的每個小節及事件,從頭到尾仔細重溫一百遍,回味點滴都是珍貴的片段,我才能夠安心入眠。 每朝睡醒以前,你的印象比第一口醒來呼吸的空氣更新鮮,我怕呼吸系統也懂得叛變,唯有忍痛暫時與你的印象一刀兩斷。 呼吸正常後我的思想卻開始紊亂,你鮮明的輪廓及染過的髮端又相繼湧現,我祗有讓撇極也撇不掉的你的臉,繼續侵佔我心田。

每朝起床後如常刷牙洗面,你的影子會如常重疊在我的模糊視線。 我正在思考挑選,當日上班的衣物項鍊,你的聲音會在空氣中盤旋,為我的決定加入意見,彷彿你就站在我跟前。 我駕車往返公司的兩個時段,你的名字會一直干擾我的思想路線,教我無法孤身作戰,不可專心獨自流連。

在睡夢中你頻繁的出現,告訴我白天你不懂說的諾言;在白日夢中你也跟隨著我的腦電波的航線,絡繹不絕的與我碰面。 夢中不想對你說再見,怕別後的悠長掛念;夢醒後不期然有無限懷念,好像我們已被分隔了億萬年。 看得見你的時候我神不守舍情迷意亂,看不到你的片刻我心不在焉無盡掛牽……

以上的故事大抵是一則動聽的預言,存在於愛與夢的邊緣,美麗得令人神迷目眩。 理所當然,假設如果有這麼一天,一切便物換境遷:我會不理會誰贏了總統大選,忘卻了甚麼支氣管炎,不再害怕冷凍氣候寒嚴,忘掉了是不是時候看不看得見太陽的臉,不會賴在床上睡腫眼簾,不會那麼緊張工作表現,不會棄置櫥具於水龍頭邊,不會空置雪櫃平白浪費電源。

不能操縱的愛情永遠像死結在纏,沒有把握的夢想始終都難以成全。 我對自己不住在勸,要耐心靜候這個完美的你的出現,可是我知我祗在對自己敷衍,完整的人生斷沒理由不被愛情霸佔。 披頭四的歌播了一段,大衛保兒的都播完,紅蘿蔔蛋糕吃了一大件,特大Mocha咖啡也喝到了杯的底線,我呆坐在充滿節日氣氛中的咖啡屋中一臉茫然。 我夢想中的愛情依舊空白一片,依附在敞大的繽紛的幻想後面。

上帝叫世人比天使微少一點,我也祗會在天父面前,稍為把你看得微少一點,暫且將你擱置一邊。 復活節當日便是耶穌基督降生二千零十六週年,天父捨生的愛我還來不及報答懷緬,那談得上向別人再付出一點點﹖

Copyright © 2016 winnieup. All Rights Reserved.

[20151010 閉幕~地面下的繁華]

150423 Outfit@20151010

不斷無限地延長的平行車軌似乎沒有半刻閒暇,
不停地承載著接踵而來的車卡,
畢直地成就著紐約地鐵站內的暗啞,
偶然地忍受著亂撒尿尿的人家。

報紙被知識份子弄得尷尬地沙沙作響喧嘩,
它們生存為裝載新聞民生康莊社會骯髒政治經濟文化,
死後滿佈大巴小巴,
如今橫屍地鐵閘口關卡,
與故鄉公廁地板不相上下
令人黯然再造紙的提倡感觸地球環保的教化!

複雜的人聲夾雜著自由思想及圓圈交叉,
悠揚的音樂彈奏自口琴電子琴和木結他;
高頻率出現的黑衣掩飾及掩蓋人們心裡可能會怒放的心花;
不可思議的耳筒機控制了聽者的表情使人無從辨別真假⋯
而我在冷眼旁觀這立體世界萬花筒中之綠豆芝麻!

Copyright © 2015 winnieup. All Rights Reserved.

[20150909 中場~行李架下的擾攘]

150421 Outfit@20150909

假期中的人兒熙來攘往,
扶老攜幼的人們你推我讓,
年輕男女嘴旁貼著嘴旁,
笨重行李背囊貼著背囊,
大家身體向著同一地方,
各自心頭別有所想,
不過在偶爾團聚的一刻便極力興波作浪,
在分離前極力營造好時代好時光;
抑制對必然的離別過早想像、
避免離別時過份感傷、
離別後浮影蒼茫。

駕著火車的司機專注前往,
駕著筆桿的旅客繼續埋頭苦幹,
駕著嬰孩的母親仍然淋漓大汗,
嫁著外籍人士的女子偶爾發射無名指上鑽戒光芒,
照射著嫁不著有心人的女子開開合合的唇上,
這口唇正高速高聲數算著她的負心漢,
把他的臭屁公開宣講、賣力傳揚。

有看不過眼的聽眾搭嘴、聽得入神的觀眾白眼、苦口婆心的旁人勸她減低聲浪。
旁人不加慰解商量,
反投以厭惡目光;
彷彿所有煩惱只可以孤芳自賞。
我想她會如是想。

不斷在練習平衡的查票員夾著蹣跚步履潛進了太陽之西自新澤西駛至紐約的車廂,
檢視完票子便於其上開一小窗,
表示票主付上票價便可赴上前方。
他查票時竭力將笑容綻放,
似慶幸這份落後差使在千年蟲時代還未被淘汰他仍在努力幹,
要拼命轉移遊人的奇異目光。

伸著舌頭的嬰兒看穿著舌環的金髮女郎標緻的長相,
聽爭寵姊妹舌劍唇槍,
又終於選擇了在母親的懷中含著無知和奶樽安躺;
我卻選擇不了將視線於旅遊書上遊蕩,
還是要定睛於自動不停轉換風景畫的火車窗?

Copyright © 2015 winnieup. All Rights Reserved.

[20150707 – 不在話下]

150410.1 Outfit@20150707

是理由還是藉口?總是報喜不報憂?電話中彼此聲線在移游:一般快樂易如反掌三言兩語說了不難受,一切苦愁易放難收三番四次欲說不出口

哥哥你報告你生活如舊,一面說話一面撫著你深愛的一頭狗;沒提到力竭筋疲早晚應付功課工作當時還要扶著聽筒的右手弟弟你結他繼續奏,老師的褒揚令你興奮難休;任誰也清楚你如此成績的背後,是練習至廢寢忘餐焦頭爛額也不罷手只告訴我天氣不冷衣服薄薄一件已足夠,沒告訴我筆記作業已疊至厚厚學業壓力不是沒有;像千斤擔壓在心頭耗盡努力腦力勞力力爭上游,可是仍難抵撲面襲來四面圍攻的引誘:千百樣花呢花碌玩樂節目堆瀉在路口,焉會不同流?這一切卻只留在你們茶餘飯後,有空便研究;沒傳到我耳環周圍的前後左右

爸爸你升職加薪當日以美心西餅招呼同事朋友;一啖啖忌廉塞進口,閉嘴時卻連剛要說的思念也吞下胃裡頭我臨走前你被車輕碰了一下到現在看了醫生與否?問你你儘是笑說已沒事又囑我勿浪費時間問候媽媽妳一直勞苦功高主內主外兩邊走;電話中聲音像摯友,書信中語氣甚溫柔;關心我衣食住行一舉一動擔心我歧途誤走;明告訴我一切如常暗承認辛苦如舊祖母你總是心不稱口;怪我太多來電卻歡喜在正說話的咽喉;教我「不用掛念不用掛念不用掛念」卻掛我掛得不能忍受你說辭了工是因為公司已不可挽救,沒意思繼續逗留;沒解釋其實是難忍整天汗水濕透;又說退休後在家終於有機會抖一抖,難道我不知見面過量家中磨擦不免有

你有你的笙歌輕奏,我有我的日月星宿。我曾嘗試用愛心說誠實話地不理因由,毫不顧忌將心事說透;但發覺總令你擔憂牽繫卻又幫不了手才醒悟沒告訴你們也不是過不了緊張關頭。於是「正面」事情電話線裡不妨走一走;「負面」事情電話線中難免要掉頭從前不知天高地厚,如今懂得逆來順受;況且天下事並非都是令人喪氣垂頭

然而無傷大雅的小事無疑不怕動動手扣一扣;但怎料如此大事你們也會一句風聲也密密不洩漏我告訴你們我難得放假便出城外走一走;一走便三日才回頭;誰知你你你妳也不藉此機會略移舌頭,不讓我與你們分憂當知道自己拋下一切盡情玩樂的同時媽媽妳卻軟躺在遠床上動手術的時候,我卻忽然如妳所料當眾淚流

數個日轉星移後,終於再接觸到媽媽妳聲音的溫柔;這次的「柔」,十之八九,是柔弱的「柔」我的眼眶被淚水充斥佔有,卻仍是那樣緊閉著口沒洩露半點傷憂,只胡扯地問你是否因此減肥消瘦?卻忘記問妳醫院食物美味與否?怕且你不會因此將我嬲?而你們卻一不做二不休,竟讓我知道哥哥你皮膚也生病像上了一塊塊紅色的漆油,還好現在情況已稍微好轉望病毒會逐步遠走我突然覺得自己像某詩人一樣:才下眉頭卻上心頭

難道還要繼續選擇報喜不報憂?任憑謊言假話到處肆意竄溜,為要極其短暫地杜絕悲傷彌留?騙哄的說話瞞不了多久,隱藏的事情始終有被揭發洞悉的時候;到事過境遷後才知真相是不是不會不難受?遺憾大家都是意見照單全收,態度依然照舊

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